For Mom

In the first picture I am being held by my mother; in the second picture, I am holding my daughter. The immensity of that sentence feels so strong to me today as I look at Joyce and think about my feelings for her and then think about you, Mom. Joyce came into the world unexpectedly early, like my arrival into your life. She was so little and didn't have the energy to wake up enough to eat as much as her little body needed. In those days after her birth that were so full of exhaustion and unknowable joy at her existence, Mom, you woke up with me every two hours to tickle her tiny feet and enable her to stay awake as I breast-fed her. Your conversations with me in those still dark hours of feeding Joyce felt like a sacred healing space. I still hold those conversations and that time with you and my daughter close to me during all these days that you had to leave to go back to the rest of your life. In that week you spent with us, you slept with Joyce swaddled next to you between those feedings so that I could sleep. You took our piles of dirty clothes and did our laundry. You made us soup and bought us things we needed. You talked with us, but you were also able to sit in silent wonder with us as we watched Joyce's first few moments on earth. One of the most moving moments in that week for me was watching you and Sarah, bend with love over Joyce as you changed her diaper and worked to wake her up so that she could eat. I hoped that Joyce would be able to call upon the immensity of love enveloping her in her first few weeks of life expressed so powerfully by you, at times in her life when she doubts herself. When you returned home, you sent Joyce the only clothes she could wear for the first month of her life. Your phone calls and conversations since have buoyed me as I tentatively begin the process of being a mother to this beautiful little girl. I am so grateful for your continued commitment to our relationship even when I have been difficult and uneasy of soul. I have struggled intensely with many things as I've negotiated my thoughts and feelings about myself, but I have never doubted that you loved me. I feel that even more profoundly as I watch you with my daughter and see the love you feel for her. Thank you for such a powerful gift. I love you.